Friends. They are so pivotal to our happiness, mental and even physical health, and yet don't we all find ourselves, even from time to time, putting our friends behind all the other family and work priorities in our lives? Perhaps friends will get the time and effort that they deserve, after the school years, if we remind ourselves that being a friend is a role, with certain expectations and responsibilities, unique to that friendship role just as being a parent, spouse, sibling, daughter, or even a worker makes demands on us because of those roles. Based on my research and observations over the last two decades, here are 10 tips for making friends and keeping them for life:
Try to keep your friendship at a level of intimacy that is comfortable for both of you. Take your cues from your friends' needs and abilities. If your friend can only handle seeing you once a month, avoid pushing for weekly or daily meetings or phone calls, or you risk sabotaging the entire relationship.
Keep your friend's confidences. (However, you also have a right to let your friend know that you will not let her secrets come between you and your spouse).
Be concerned with your friend, not just yourself. Try to be accommodating and flexible. When my younger son was in nursery school, as I drove him and his friend to our home, I remember asking my son's friend what he'd like to play once they got to our house. "Whatever Jeff wants to do," the popular and likable boy replied.
Avoid misusing friends as therapists or banks. It's occasional to turn to a friend for occasional emotional support, or even to pick up the lunch tab now and then, but it shouldn't be done too often.
Respect your friend's boundaries. Especially if you've been friends "forever," your friend (or you) may now want to withhold certain intimate details, or topics, about your life (or her life) that you shared quite freely when you were younger, single, or before you had children. That's okay and it does not mean you're still not close and caring friends.
Listen carefully, sympathetically, and with empathy. Be responsive to what your friend is sharing, not just thinking about what you want to say next.
Share your knowledge and experiences with your friends and have fun too! Friends have the chance to teach you about everything from how to work a digital camera to coping with ill parents while still letting you know your perspective may also be valid. And don't forget that all-important fun factor in friendship. It's one of the reasons we enjoy our friends and that's true whether you're 8,18, or 85.
Make time for talking to, and getting together, with your friends. Of course you are allowed to be busy, but if your friend wants to get together, being busy too often and for too extended a period may result in fading or ending those friendships. If you are busy now, or in the foreseeable future, try to still agree on a specific plan for getting together with your friend and commit to it. In that way, your friend will have evidence that you are truly still committed to your friendship.
Cut your friend some slack. Are you perfect? Of course not. So don't expect your friend to be either. If she forgets your birthday, try to figure out if there's something going on in her life that might be the reason. If she does not return your e-mail right away, maybe she never got it or she's on a business trip that she did not have time to tell you about. If you cut your friend some slack, she'll be more likely to do the same when it's your turn to need some extra kindness and consideration.
Be positive and upbeat. Of course you can be upset from time to time, turning to your friend for advice and understanding, but do it too often and you will find your friends may start letting your calls go to voice mail if they see your name on caller ID.
